Afraid of dating: tips to overcome dating anxiety

Are you afraid of dating again? You’re not alone. When it comes to dating anxiety, have you ever thought or said:

“I picked the wrong person once before, and I could pick the wrong person again.”

“My last partner left me with so much heartbreak that I don’t want to deal with love anymore.”

“I don’t know how to date after a divorce.”

“Just the thought of going up to someone at the bar makes me nauseous.” 

“I’ve experienced abusive relationships before. I can’t risk that again.”

“They used to be wonderful, but then everything changed. How can I trust anyone?”

“I got cheated on and it destroyed me. I’m not safe anymore.” 

If the answer is ‘yes’ to any of these statements, then this article was written specifically for you. Dating anxiety and the fear of dating can be paralyzing, and when it strikes, it’s easy to feel like the fear attached to love is insurmountable. But many of our clients have contended with relationship anxiety before are living proof that it’s possible to move on and experience a warm, loving union with another person. 

Here’s how you do it.

1. Understand and acknowledge your fear

When a relationship ends—good or bad—it’s easy to try and brush the fear that comes with it away.

After losing a good thing, people tend to minimize the good and emphasize the bad. “There were problems from the start.” “We never would’ve made it in the long run.” “We ended up getting too dependent on each other.”

And when a bad thing ends, we emphasize that we’re over it. “He was an awful person, and I hate what he did to me.” “I don’t care about them at all anymore—they deserve the worst.”

All of these feelings are valid, and yet all of them come with a caveat: when we say them, we’re avoiding the deeper thought, the deeper belief. 

That belief is simple. We are afraid. 

Afraid of what? Afraid of how much we cared, afraid of how awful it was, afraid of never falling in love again, afraid of picking the wrong person once more, afraid of men, afraid of women, afraid of losing ourselves to something that crashed and burned, afraid of wasting our time.

The first step in moving on and learning how to stop being afraid of dating is to acknowledge the fear. Not only that, but pinpoint your specific fear: is it the fear of entering another abusive relationship? The fear of not measuring up to a new partner? The fear of rejection? Or the fear of another breakup?

Everyone who experiences dating anxiety comes away from a relationship with different fears, and it’s a necessary and critical step for you to drill down on that fear, that deeper belief, and pry it open. Lay it bare, and sit with it. 

2. Recognize that your fear creates a self fulfilling prophecy

Once you’ve determined exactly what it is you’re afraid of, it’s time to look at how your current actions are impacted by that fear. 

If you’re experiencing dating anxiety, you might be afraid to talk to someone new. You want to strike up a conversation with an attractive person at a bar, but the thought of saying hello stops you in your tracks. So you say nothing, even though you’d love to have a fulfilling relationship again. 

Think about this, though: what is your fear doing to you now? Are you getting what you want? Or are you reliving your past relationship through your current dating anxieties?

If you’re too scared to talk to someone new, you might hold the fear that “it’s not even worth trying, because my past relationship ended in a horrible mess.” But is your current love life any less of a mess for continuing to be afraid?

If you’re afraid that you don’t know how to date after a divorce, you might believe that “nobody wants to talk to someone who couldn’t make their first marriage work.” But will you be able to make a new marriage work if that’s the belief that guides you toward your next love?

Even when we’re free from an old relationship, we tend to hold onto beliefs that emphasize our greatest fears about the past. People who have been cheated on stop dating or become avoidant because they don’t want to be cheated on again. People who were in abusive or toxic relationships sometimes find it hard to date well-adjusted people because they’re not sure exactly what healthy love looks like. 

But do those beliefs do you any good? Do they bring you peace and happiness? Do they help you find what you’re looking for (real, true love)? The answer is no.

3. Confront your own worst-case scenario

After a relationship ends, it’s easy to think in terms of black and white. We come up with “worst-case scenarios” for the future. We think that everything bad that happened will happen again, and that anything good will be impossible to find.

But really—what is the absolute worst thing that can happen by trying to date again? If you’re reeling from relationship trauma or an abusive situation, then it’s natural to fear what a new relationship might bring. And it’s completely warranted. But even when things have been terrible, you’ve survived. 

What’s more, you’ve learned a whole lot. 

You’ve learned what healthy love looks like and what it doesn’t. You’ve learned how you want to be treated. You’ve learned what you deserve. Even if you were the cause of the end of your last relationship, you’ve learned about the kinds of mistakes that can lead to breakups. 

No matter what happened, you’ve taken lessons from it, and you’ve lived through it.

So what do you do with that information? You tell yourself that you are competent, capable and strong enough to choose a new partner who is right for you. You tell yourself that if your true goal is to find rewarding love, then you need to dig deep and dispense with beliefs that are holding you back from finding that love. 

Most importantly, you tell yourself the following: even if the next relationship doesn’t work out, you’re going to be okay. Because you’ve been there before, and you can do it again. 

3. Start testing out new beliefs

Now that you’ve nailed down what you’re afraid of, it’s time to break some bad belief habits. You can do this slowly, in very small steps, if it helps. Here are some examples:

• If you’re paralyzed by social interactions, aim to talk to one new person a week. You can keep the conversation short if need be—don’t put any pressure on the outcome; instead, reward yourself for your new belief that you can talk to new people with relative ease.
  
• If you don’t know how to date after a divorce, try opening up to a friend about it first. Instead of telling a potential new partner that you’re terrified of another failed marriage, talk to a trusted ally about your concerns. 
  
• If you don’t think you deserve love, try getting at the root of that feeling. Get in touch with a coach who can help you explore deep-seated beliefs about love and healthy relationships. 
  
• If you’re afraid of losing yourself or feeling “small” in a new romance, look at how your self-perception has shifted over time. Tell yourself that you have the power to redefine your role in future connections, and acknowledge that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

There are countless ways to adopt and test new beliefs. The key is to slowly trade up to better beliefs that serve you and that you can buy into. 

Beating dating anxiety starts with you

Being afraid of dating can feel paralyzing. It can stop you from finding the kind of relationship you truly deserve. Despite that, there’s a reassuring element to dating anxiety: it starts with you.

You hold the power to examine and change your beliefs.

You’re in control of how much you date, how fast you date and how long you date someone.

And you get to decide what your new approach to love looks like.

Of course, if you need some backup, we’re here for you. As coaches, we’re well-versed in helping people navigate relationships. Get in touch with us to see what’s possible when it comes to creating the kind of life that will help you feel how you REALLY want to feel—and more importantly, how you DESERVE to feel.