Coaching isn’t therapy, and that’s a good thing

I recently read a blog from an ex-life coach that chronicled their journey from enjoying the experience of coaching others to wanting to leave—and eventually, getting out of the business altogether.

I’m not exactly sure why—maybe it’s because I coach, talk about coaching, and work with other coaches every day—but something in that article rubbed me the wrong way. 

This particular quote made me feel uneasy about the way this coach was running their practice: “I found myself becoming [my clients’] therapist instead of their coach. Instead of helping them work through a problem, you become an emotional punching bag—consoling them and trying to help them justify why you’re taking their money.” 

What was wrong with that statement? Well, nothing… except that it didn’t reflect our coaching approach at all.

I have some thoughts about what we do as coaches and what therapists do. When it comes to my experience as a coach, I certainly don’t feel like I’ve “become an emotional punching bag” for my clients.

Here’s what I’ve learned about coaching vs. therapy from my own coaching practice, and how to pick which one is right for you. 

Coaching vs. Therapy

1. Coaches focus on what’s going RIGHT

Therapy is important. When you’re struggling with really difficult memories, situations or people in your life, having a therapist single out what’s going wrong can help you correct your course and move toward something better. 

Coaching helps you do the same thing—but it comes from an entirely different place. Instead of looking at what’s going wrong in your life, coaching looks at what’s going right. A coach’s job is to see the best in you, to see what you’re truly capable of. By contrast, a therapist looks at your problems and issues and tries to clear those up.

Our coaching approach accounts for the fact that our beliefs inform who we are, and if we’re constantly believing that a bunch of factors are preventing us from achieving things, then we’re going to—consciously or unconsciously—fail to live up to our own expectations.  

By contrast, if we stop “feeding” that negative self-image and start focusing on everything we’re getting right, we’re more likely to believe we’re capable of making positive changes—and that changes everything.  

2. Therapy helps heal broken pasts

Just like the debate over focusing on what’s right or what’s wrong with your life, coaching and therapy differ on what time period they choose to focus on as well. 

Therapy tends to focus on the past.

Our coaching focuses on the future.

For people who are experiencing turmoil from difficult past experiences, therapy can be very healing. It’s an important way to clear up old problems and make sense of things that already happened. 

For people who are worried about the present and the future, coaching is key. Coaching helps people take everything they’ve already learned and apply it to a new vision of their future through things like belief restructuring and self confidence work. 

Ask yourself: is it more important for me to solve old issues, or to build a better future that currently seems elusive to me?

3. Coaching emphasizes friendship

Let’s be clear: we don’t necessarily recommend coaching our friends.

But while therapists maintain a very strict therapist-patient relationship, coaches are allowed to be more personal with their clients. Amazing coaches tend to become friends with their clients because they understand that coaching is ALL about trust.

In the time that I’ve been coaching, I’ve seen coaches and clients become best friends, to the point where the client even changed their life trajectory in order to become a coach. I’ve also formed deep friendships with some of my own clients that have lasted for months, years, and decades. 

We didn’t become friends because I asked for their friendships—I simply saw them in their best light and helped them clear their roadblocks, and that led to a longstanding closeness. 

In fact, I’d say that coaches who refuse friendship with their clients actually miss out on the intimacy that enables progress during coaching sessions. A great coach will want to understand everything about your life so that they know what you believe, think and act upon—allowing them to give better guidance going forward.

4. Coaching lets us put the past down

Coaching allows us to put the past down and become who we want to be.

We talked about how coaching is future-oriented, but I think this statement is an important point in its own right. 

Coaching isn’t about neglecting, omitting, or ignoring the past. Coaching recognizes the past for exactly what it is, trauma and all. Our coaches will never bar you from talking about the past during a session (in fact, we’ll ask you all about it in order to understand you better).

What coaching WON’T do, however, is try to solve your past problems by continuing to dwell on them. A great coach can simultaneously believe that your past is important and that your past needs to be let go of in order to move forward.  

By acknowledging the past but also setting it down, coaching allows you to stop letting the past interfere with the future. 

5. Coaching can be therapeutic

While coaching and therapy are different, coaching can be therapeutic. The kinds of things people take away from coaching can seriously improve their lives, and it leads to the same kind of progress and breakthroughs that therapy often does.

Let me give you an example from a client who was struggling with their romantic relationship. They weren’t sure if the relationship was right for them—but a lot of that had to do with their own internal fears about letting people down. This person worried that, deep down, they weren’t good enough for a relationship, so they didn’t deserve the one they were in. 

Coaching changed that belief in them. Instead of focusing on what was wrong with themselves—the narrative about letting people down—I asked them to think about what they wanted instead. I also asked them to focus less on what they deserved, because they already deserved it.

Then I asked: “What are all the qualities you want in a good partner?” I told them to write out a list, and when they finished, they saw… 

Their current partner.

This client had already gotten everything they wanted. It was just the old narrative they were clinging onto—that they were going to let their partner down—that was making them hesitate about the relationship.

That exchange occurred over nine months ago. Today that client lives happily with their partner, and hasn’t had a problem with their romantic life since.

THAT’S the power of coaching. Unlike therapy, it focuses on things that build you up instead of things that bring you down. 

Coaching vs. therapy: two different approaches

Coaching and therapy are both important. They both exist for a reason, and they both help people solve problems. While therapy focuses on healing, dealing with the past, and maintaining emotional distance to provide better support, coaching focuses on self-actualization, creating a new future, and forming a close relationship to better champion clients.

Personally, I’m a big believer in letting go of the past in order to build an exciting future.