We Can't Control Our Kids: With Analiza Wolf

What do you do when you ask your kids to do something and they don't listen? Do you try to force them to do what you want? Or have a big fight about it? If so, there’s something that you can try!

This episode of The Frame of Mind Coaching™ Podcast is about my all time favorite subject: parenting. Here to discuss this with me is Analiza Wolf, Executive Coach, Facilitator, Consultant and CEO at Boss Mamas.

Analiza’s 5-year-old daughter is an artist who loves to read. The issue is that she wants to do these activities all day long, including during mealtime. Analiza would love for her daughter to share that time with them, but she just doesn’t want to. Analiza has tried a bunch of things to get her daughter to focus on dinner, even spoon-feeding her, but nothing has worked.

There are so many other options to try! I suggest to Analiza that she make dinner an exciting time. That way, instead of forcing her daughter to eat, she takes an interest by herself. And in the case that she really doesn’t want to eat at that time, that’s okay too! The food will still be available to her when she gets hungry. By not battling for control with her daughter, Analiza will regain some time to take care of herself, and her daughter will know she is trusted to make her own decisions.

How to handle temper tantrums 

Let me just get something out of the way: parenting is my all-time favorite subject. I love talking about how to be the best parent possible, because there’s so many different interpretations of what it means to be a stellar parent. Today we’re going to focus on just one part of parenting: the concept of getting “control” of your kids.

What do you do when you’ve asked your child to do something several times, and they still don’t listen? Do you punish them? Lay down major consequences? Or do you get into a big fight with them about it? If lots of these things are happening — and they’re contributing to a tense and disagreeable home environment — then I’ve got some ideas on what you might be able to try. 

I’m going to throw a scenario at you real quick. This might be familiar: you call your child to dinner, and they refuse to come. No matter what you do, they ignore your calls, until eventually you have to yell at them or force them to come to the dinner table and eat. And even then, it’s a chore. They don’t want to sit in their seat, it takes them two hours to eat their food, you end up spoon-feeding them; the list goes on… 

That’s a problem, because you probably have other things you want to get done with your child. You want to help them take a bath, and once they’re clean you want them to be around your family and play games, or watch something together. You know: you want to experience things as a family. But the dinner part of the equation (and in this instance it’s dinner, but it could be anything) is making life hard. You’ve come to dread that particular part of the day, because you know it’s going to lead to an agonizing moment full of temper tantrums and misery. 

How can you break this cycle? It comes down to knowing your role as a parent.

Parenting a strong-willed child 

Here’s the thing about parenting your child when they’re a strong willed person. While you might think your role is to take control of their life and make sure they get the nutrition, cleanliness, happiness (etc. etc.) that they need, it’s not. If they’re starting to refuse aspects of your daily schedule, that means they’re making a statement about who’s in charge. They’re saying “I’m a human being, and I’m in control of what I do with my body.”

For instance, imagine if the roles were reversed. Imagine someone told you that you needed to have dinner at 3 PM today, and you had only ten minutes to eat that food. Maybe you wouldn’t be hungry. And maybe you’d feel pressured and rushed. Let’s take it one step further: what if someone spoon-fed you your entire dinner to make sure you ate? That sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t it? None of that contributes to a healthy eating environment.

So, maybe it’s starting to make sense why your strong-willed child isn’t eating dinner when you call them. They’re not actively trying to defy you. They’re simply making a statement about who they are and what they need at that moment. 

So if dinner time was your problem as a parent, this is what I’d suggest: stop forcing your child to come to dinner. If they’re going to throw a temper tantrum about it, don’t make them come at the time you call them! Instead, do everything else as you normally would: put food out for them and invite them to dinner, but don’t make it mandatory. 

Eat with the rest of your family, and once you’re done, clean up everything but their plate. Leave it out for when they want to eat it. Instead of letting your child control your dinner, have such a wonderful time at dinner that your strong-willed kid hears you talking and laughing and says, “What the heck is going on in there? Can I do that, too?” 

And if they don’t come to dinner? That’s fine! Like I said, leave that plate out and let them get nutrition on their own time. I can hear a lot of you already thinking: “How can this be? How can I let my five-year-old child decide what they eat and when they eat it?! They’ll starve!” But the thing is, your kid is already deciding that. They’re doing it anyway. And all you’re doing is further complicating life by tying your happiness to the expected outcome of whether or not they join you for dinner. 

How to be a good parent 

In the end, even as parents, all we can really control is ourselves. Our children may be young, but they’re their own people, too. And they’re going to make choices about what they do and eat. There doesn’t need to be punishment or reward systems for things like this, because those consequences are already natural. If someone doesn’t eat, the consequence is that they’ll get hungry, and then decide it’s time to eat. 

My advice to you? Stop looking at things as though it’s what you’re supposed to do as a parent. “My child should be this way, though. They really should eat dinner with us.” Well, why? We’re very attracted to the idea of how things need to be, but it’s not how the world works. 

This applies to everything. To dinner, to bedtime, to baths and to play. And do you know what’ll happen as a result of letting go of control regarding your child’s habits? They’ll start to really trust you. And that’s the most empowering thing you can do as a parent: put trust in your child.

Want more parenting advice? Listen to this podcast episode about getting a handle on your kids, or visit my coaching site for more hands-on parenting training.