Getting Rejected (and why it’s OK to get a “No”)

Are you scared of getting rejected? You’re not alone in thinking that getting rejected is one of the most painful experiences you’ll have as an adult. In fact, fMRI studies show that getting rejected can activate the exact same areas of the brain that physical pain activates, leading many of us to feel a deep sense of hurt after we’ve been ostracized.

The same goes for being told “no,” which is a form of social rejection that many of us are terrified of experiencing. Being told no can shake us to our core — whether it’s in the context of a nasty breakup or being told we didn’t get approved for a raise at work, it hurts all the same. To understand why getting rejected hurts so badly, we have to go back to the past a little ways… 

Or a lot.

In-groups and out-groups in the bronze age

Way back, when your great-great-great-great-great-great (the list could go on) grandfathers and grandmothers were still learning how to use metal and building some of the first intentional fires, there was a value to the fear of rejection. After all, being ejected from your tribe was equivalent to death: without others to help you along, you wouldn’t survive long in the perilous wild.  

For these reasons, it used to make sense why getting rejected was as painful as physical harm. It was to be avoided at all costs. We’re long past the bronze age — and now, getting rejected still hurts like it did when it was a life-or-death matter, but the consequences aren’t the same anymore.   

In fact, being afraid of being told “no” can actually be more harmful in the modern age than it is helpful. Think about it: have you ever stopped yourself from asking for something you really needed just because you were afraid of what the answer would be? It probably made you feel pretty lousy afterward. What’s more, you didn’t get the outcome you desired. 

So: how do you break the “no” cycle? Is there a way to get comfortable with being told no?

Well… what if you tried to get others to tell you no?

How to play the “no” game

The “no” game is pretty simple. If you’re interested in building confidence and losing the fear of getting rejected, your job is to go out and collect as many no’s as you possibly can by asking people for things that you don’t think they’ll give you. 

This could be anything. You could ask people for a lift downtown, a hundred dollars, a chore or favor, a free bottle of wine… the more egregious, the better! And why is it better to ask for outrageous things? Because the way to win the game is by getting as many no’s as possible. 

In other words, the goal is to be rejected over and over again. And the reason why that’s how you “win” the no game is because you were bold enough to ask. You asked people and got no’s more than anyone else playing, and that puts you above everyone else who feared getting rejected. 

The interesting side effect of the no game is that often times, people get told “yes” far more often than they might think! We’ve had clients who thought someone would say no to their ridiculous request, and then ended up getting apple pie… a year’s supply of wine… a free gym membership… the list goes on.

Why hearing others say no is a good thing

What’s the lesson here? There’s two: the first is that by changing your thinking patterns, you can change what the word no means to you. Does no mean anything about you as a person? No. Does no need to be taken personally? No. Does “no” have to hurt, debilitate or prevent you from asking for something again? No. 

So, that’s lesson one. And lesson two is that if you ask for things often, you might be surprised at how often you’ll get a yes instead of a no. Because if you don’t ask, you’ll never know — you can’t get a yes if you say nothing, so saying nothing is the equivalent of being told no… 

Only it’s you telling yourself no, instead of someone else. 

Only you can change what no means to you

If you’re a high-performing executive, a committed professional or simply someone trying to improve your own sense of personal growth, learning how to be okay with others saying no is crucial for your own development. The next time you feel afraid of what others might say, try playing the “no” game and see what happens.

Who knows? You might just be told no… or you might be told yes, and a thousand interesting things will come to pass. 

For more coaching advice and tips for building confidence, let’s schedule a time to talk.