How to help someone (who doesn’t want help)

We all know someone who is chronically unhappy. This person might not have depression, but they certainly see life from a pessimistic point of view. Because of this, no matter what you do or say, they tend to focus on everything that’s going wrong with life, instead of what’s going right. So: what can you do to bring them out of their slump?

In times like these, it can be hard to know how to help someone. You want to offer assistance, but you’re constantly getting rebuked, and it’s getting to the point where you feel just as miserable as the person you’re trying to help. 

Thankfully, there’s a few key ways you can improve the experience of helping someone with depression, anxiety or simply a pessimistic worldview. Here’s what you can do.  

How to help someone with depression, anxiety or a bad mindset

First and foremost, if you have a friend or family member who’s experiencing severe depression or anxiety, it’s important to help them get the resources they need. While you might feel equipped to talk someone through a difficult time in their life, serious mental health conditions should always be addressed by a professional. That professional could be a therapist, or, if it’s less serious, a coach. 

With that said, if the person you’re trying to help is simply glum, pessimistic or grumpy — and the situation isn’t potentially life-threatening — there are other ways to offer your help. In fact, the best way to help someone might be by not helping them at all. 

Here’s what we mean by that. 

When you see someone feeling bad all the time, it bothers you to the point that you want to change their demeanor, right? Because of this, you naturally focus your attention on their negativity. You try and turn that negativity into positivity in any way possible — and, when that fails, it makes you frustrated and confused. 

Unfortunately, the reality is that it’s impossible to make someone feel differently about a situation. You simply can’t control their feelings. You can, however, control your response to someone’s negativity. So, instead of feeding off of someone else’s pessimistic emotional energy, why not try demonstrating how to view the world optimistically?

Modeling positive behavior 

Modeling cheerfulness, happiness and a positive mindset is one of the best ways to mitigate pessimism in chronically upset people. There are two main reasons why:

• Modeling happiness isn’t about changing anyone: When you demonstrate what it looks like to live a content life, you’re actively living a content life — regardless of whether the person in your life who’s upset changes or not. By letting go of their ability to ruin your mindset with their pessimism, you’re already solving the problem you’re currently experiencing: that your friend or family member is bringing you down with their negative mindset. When you can model happiness for yourself, you’re happy, and nobody can take that away from you. The positive side effect of this, of course, is that happiness is contagious, and in displaying it, you’ll be more influential in showing others how they can view the world, too.
• Demonstrating joy puts you in a better position to help others: On top of helping you find your own inner satisfaction, modeling happiness helps you adopt the right mindset to help others more effectively. Think of it like this: if your friend is drowning in a pool, empathizing with them — in other words, feeling their negativity right alongside them — is only going to make both of you helpless. By contrast, learning how to feel peaceful, calm and content regardless of how others are feeling puts you in a better position to pull them up and out of their misery. After all, you’d be a lot more helpful to your friend by standing beside the pool and giving them a hand, instead of jumping into the water and drowning with them. 

‍To learn how to help someone else, help yourself first 

If there’s anything you should take away from this blog, it’s that before you can help someone who’s chronically upset, you’ve got to work on helping yourself. And what does helping yourself look like? 

It looks like finding your own sense of happiness and joy, and then showing that joy off for everyone else to see. Doing that gives others a roadmap toward optimism, and that’s exactly what a chronically upset friend needs to see. 

Still feeling overwhelmed by a depressed friend? That’s okay. We can put you in contact with one of our certified coaches right away. Not only can they help you sort out your qualms with difficult people in your life, but they can also give advice on your financial situation, your romantic relationship, your business goals and much more. 

‍Let’s talk, shall we?