How To Tell Your Partner They’ve Gained Weight
How do we tell someone that is important to us something that might hurt their feelings? How do we break the news to them without making them feel terrible? Should we tell them at all? Of course, it depends on what we are trying to tell them, but the questions still remain.
How to break bad news to someone
Breaking bad news to someone is one of the hardest things. How do you do it right? Do you even do it? If it’s something like a breakup, an employee termination or the like, then of course you must. But if it’s something more nebulous — let’s say your partner has gained weight — then should you say anything at all?
The answer is actually simpler than you think. Here’s what you’ll need to do.
When learning how to break bad news to someone, you’ll need to decide if this is a “bad news only” situation, or a potential “good news” situation. A “bad news only” situation is the kind of scenario where telling someone good news (i.e., “Congratulations! You’re fired!”) is insulting and demeaning. A good news situation is a scenario in which you can re-frame bad news as a positive outcome. Here’s how both can pan out gracefully and kindly.
Bad news only: find the silver linings
Let’s say you need to fire someone. It is what it is. When you break this kind of bad news, you’re going to have to tell them something they don’t want to hear. But you can still tell it to them in a kind, caring way — with love, that is.
For instance, if someone is being laid off, make sure to highlight how helpful they’ve been to you, your organization or your goals over the years. Additionally, make sure to help them in their search for future employment by acting as a reference or writing a letter of recommendation. Whatever you can do to soften the blow, do it — because being harsh for the sake of being harsh helps nobody at all.
In fact, harshness in these kinds of scenarios doesn’t even help you. Let’s say you and your spouse are getting a divorce. It might feel good to tell them all the horrible things you think about them… but what do you really want out of the divorce?
You probably want access to your half of your belongings and money, as well as the right to see your children whenever you’d like. Now, think: does it help you to berate your partner prior to ending things if your goal is to have a peaceful relationship down the road?
The same goes for terminating an employee. Does it help your company if you bad-mouth an employee before firing them? Even if they weren’t the greatest worker, you don’t want them going to competitors and telling them how terrible your workplace is. That doesn’t help your situation at all.
So, when it comes to delivering “bad news only,” always find the silver linings.
Potential good news: think about your goals
Not all bad news is strictly bad news. For instance, let’s say your partner has gained weight, and you want them to work on it. You’re thinking about telling them that they’re not as attractive as they used to be, and that you’d like them to start hitting the gym. Still, you’re scared about their reaction.
The thing is, this can actually be good news. You just need to reframe it differently. Think about it: if your goal is to help your partner get healthier, will telling them that they’re overweight help? Probably not. Telling them will make them feel ugly, sad and afraid that the relationship is in jeopardy. They might feel motivated in the short-term to work out just to spite you, but that’s a short term solution that invites a bunch of unwarranted animosity into your relationship.
Instead, try reframing the “bad news” as good news. What if, instead of telling your partner something they likely already know (do you think they don’t know they’re not as skinny as they were when they were 20?), you told them that you loved them, and wanted to go do something active together?
“I love spending time with you. Let’s go learn how to play tennis.” Or, “we’ve both been watching a lot of TV lately. Want to get a gym membership together and get fit?” Or, “we’ve been eating a little unhealthy lately. Want to try cooking together more?”
Instead of telling your partner they’re overweight — because that’s a sh–ty thing to do — create new opportunities to work on your health together. Instead of using a form of punishment (“I won’t love you as much if you don’t work out”) to convince them, use a reward (“Think of all the new experiences we can have together by becoming healthier versions of ourselves!”).
See how it works?