Should I Forgive Them or Forget Them? – Fridays with Ferne: Episode #48
To forgive or not to forgive… that is the question. And I’m here to tell you something controversial: any time you ask yourself if you should forgive someone or not, the answer is always, undeniably, unequivocally… yes.
You might look at me and say: “That’s crazy! This person hurt me worse than anyone else in the whole world. What they did is absolutely unforgivable, and there’s no chance I’m ever going to have a relationship with them again.”
To which I’d respond… who says you have to have a relationship with someone again just because you forgave them? Nobody! You can forgive someone at any time without inviting them back into your life. And that’s not all — there’s so much more all of us should consider when thinking about how and when to forgive others.
Why should I forgive someone?
When people think about forgiving someone, they usually pose it as a question. They’ll say, “Should I choose to accept someone’s actions and move on with my life, or pick up the pieces and walk away?”
In truth, forgiveness isn’t that binary. Like I mentioned, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you need to continue having a relationship with them. That’s because forgiving someone isn’t about the person in question… it’s about you.
When we choose not to forgive, what happens is that we build up a lot of resentment, bitterness, angst and bad memories within us. Those things add up, and they prevent us from enjoying our lives. And so the point of forgiving someone isn’t to release others of responsibility for their actions — instead, it’s to release ourselves from the entrapment and imprisonment we feel by the weight of their choices.
Choosing to forgive is our way of saying, “Okay. I release you of the power you hold over me, and I’m choosing to move on with my life.” You don’t even have to tell the other person you’ve forgiven them. Simply make the choice to let go of what’s holding you back, and then decide if you still want that person in your life.
What does forgiveness look like?
When you forgive someone, you’re basically saying: “You did something harmful to me, and I was hurt by it, but I refuse to remain in bondage. So I release you of your responsibility for my future wellbeing.”
In this way, forgiveness is a state of mind. It’s an attitude developed in response to someone’s actions — actions which have impeded your ability to be happy. That’s why we should always forgive others: because to do so is to remove the power they have over us to keep us unhappy.
Once you’ve forgiven someone, the bigger question remains… should you maintain a relationship with them? Or is it time to move on?
Should I end my relationship with someone?
Maybe you’ve been friends with someone for years, and they’ve gone on to do something terrible. You’re stuck wondering whether or not you should continue the friendship or not. How do you know if what they’ve done is an offense you can move past… or something worth walking away over?
My advice would be to envision the rest of your life with and without this person in it. Does your life get better or worse when that person is around? Do they contribute meaningfully to your everyday existence? When you’re with them, do you feel great most of the time, or bad most of the time? Do they help you grow, or do they erode you?
These are all important questions to ask yourself. Once you’ve found the answers, you can start to create patterns based on past incidents. If this is the first major offense after a lifetime of strong, solid memories and moments, then it’s probably time to reforge the relationship anew. However, if you find that this person has repeatedly and habitually violated how you would like to be treated, then it’s time to move on.
If you do move forward with the relationship, the key is to make it very clear how you would like to be treated in the future. Because we teach others how to treat us — if we let them behave in ways that aren’t in accordance with our values, they’ll keep doing it.
Instead of putting up a boundary, tell the person in question that they can act how they’d like to, but you won’t be around for it if it doesn’t fit your own value system. If they’re constantly rude and disrespectful, tell them what you do like in a friendship — peace, laughter, happiness and connection — and that you’re going to look for relationships that are full of those things, rather than ones that aren’t.
Creating a framework for the future of your friendship is key when it comes to establishing a lasting bond after you’ve forgiven someone. And if that framework fails? Then it’s time to say, “Thanks, but I’m good now. I understand that it’s hard for you to behave the way I would like for you to behave, and that’s okay, but I’m not going to stick around for it. This isn’t a relationship that’s good for me, so I wish you all the best, but you’re going to have to live without me.”
The importance of forgiveness
It’s not always easy to navigate the tricky waters of forgiveness. In fact, it’s easy for me to tell you to forgive anyone — no matter what they’ve done — but learning how to actually do it takes time, patience and effort.
If you’re looking for help along the road, I’m here. I’m just one of a handful of expertly trained coaches who can assist you in working through your questions about forgiveness. If you’re curious about whether or not you should stick around for a friend that’s slighted you, reach out to me here, and we’ll tackle those tough questions together.