The Yes Man

When we talk about “how to say no,” most people know we’re not talking about the physical act of saying no. All of us know how to form the words. At the same time, all of us also know how difficult it can be to actually say those words in the context of a relationship we care about. Saying no to a close friend, a parent, an employer or a colleague fills most people with dread.

At the same time, learning how to say no is necessary for our own mental health. Most of us want to say yes to everything because we want to preserve important relationships, but if we say “yes” too much, we’ll end up feeling burnt out, dejected and resentful of the very people we’re trying to show up for. 

And we don’t want that. So how do you say no? 

How to say no (in two simple steps)

Step one: understand the belief behind saying no

Before we tackle how to say no, we first need to understand why it’s so hard to say no. The thinking beneath the fear of saying no might vary for all of us, but most of us share the same general reasoning: we believe that saying no is going to bruise our relationships. 

Sound familiar? Raise your hand if you’ve ever believed any of these things to be true about saying no to people in your life:

• If I say no, my relationship with the person I’m saying no to will be tarnished
• Saying no to a friend too often will end our friendship
• Saying no might make me lose my job
• If I say no to a family member, they might hold a grudge against me
• I say yes to projects at work because it won’t get done right without me
• Something “bad” will happen if I say no to a friend, a coworker or family member 
• I don’t know if I can allow or trust my “team” — coworkers, friends or family — to take on responsibilities in my place

If you’ve thought these things before, you might be putting yourself in a box. The problem with doing that is that when you put yourself in a box — whether it’s because you’re afraid of what will happen to a relationship, resentful of someone else’s inability to do what you can do, or angry that someone is asking too much of you — you start to breed resentment for those you’re saying yes to. 

This directly contradicts why we say yes to others. We say yes to others because:

• We want to maintain a healthy relationship with them
• We want to make sure work gets done in the workplace
• We want to nourish bonds with our families
• We want to achieve things together
• We want to strengthen connections with those who are important to us

Can you do any of these things when you’re building resentment for someone else in your mind? The answer is no. 

For these reasons, the first step to learning how to say no is understanding that saying yes to everything doesn’t actually help you or the other person. Instead, it hurts both of you in the long run. Once you understand that, step two becomes much easier. 

Step two: saying no to make relationships better

If saying yes all the time breeds resentment, then it makes sense to say no some of the time, right? Saying no some of the time helps you in several important ways, including by:

• Giving you the energy needed to show up more fully when you do say yes
• Freeing up your schedule to relax and recuperate
• Allowing you time to go off and experience other things before reconvening with those you care about 
• Providing you with a lighter workload and more energy to focus on critical tasks
• Offering you opportunities to explore things you couldn’t otherwise 
• Letting go of resentment for others and instead feeling excited and inspired to interact with them

When the reasons are listed out like this, saying no doesn’t look so bad, does it? That’s the secret: if you start to re-frame saying no to things as a way to actually remove resentment and foster stronger relationships in your life, then you won’t feel nearly as bad about saying it.

The larger lesson here is that it’s usually not the thing itself that’s the problem — it’s the way you think about that thing. Instead of thinking about saying no as this horrible, terrible thing that leads to soured relationships and bad endings, think about it as a useful tool for giving you the time, energy and space you need to make your important relationships truly shine. 

Saying no in the workplace 

There’s one final area where saying no might still seem difficult: in the workplace. If you’re the kind of Type A person who thinks you’re the only one who can get the job done (and therefore you’re always saying “yes” to more work), here’s why saying no is also important:

• Taking on every responsibility in the workplace because “you’re the only one who can get it done right” creates a bottleneck and slows down turnaround time 
• Saying no to lower-order jobs gives you more energy and focus to do great work on the big, important jobs
• Saying no doesn’t have to be black and white — you can say no to an expedited deadline while still saying yes to a project; you can say no to part of a project while agreeing to complete another part of it, etc. 
• Saying no means knowing what you can and can’t take on, and is a true sign of a leader
• Saying no allows you to delegate tasks to other team members

These are all great reasons why saying no can be helpful at work. Of course, they may not be your reasons… but remember that it’s not about the thing itself. It’s the way you think about the thing.

If you think saying yes to everything is simply the fastest way to get work done, your daily workload will be a slog, and your calendar will be a mess. In truth, you won’t actually get things done faster, because you’ll be too overbooked and burnt out to do it. On the other hand, if you think saying no can be a tool for helping you get work done more efficiently, it absolutely will be. 

So: are you ready to say no? 

If you like high-level coaching advice like this, check out our podcast episode on saying no, and then head over to our website for personalized coaching info. 

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