What Do I Really Really Want?: With Menop Nguyen
In today’s episode of The Frame of Mind Coaching™, our guest Menop Nguyen talks about benchmarking. Menop is CEO at Secured IT Solutions, a company that provides IT and cybersecurity services to organizations in the public and private sectors.
Menop talks about how she continuously compares herself to others and how that’s been affecting her performance at work. It’s completely normal for us as humans to compare ourselves, but we need to be careful. And when it comes to benchmarking, we need to understand how to leverage that.
One example I give to Menop is: Would you benchmark yourself against the greatest ballerina in the world? If not, why not? If you did that, would that mean that you “should” be a ballerina as well? If it’s not even part of your interests, then no, right? What you can do is understand what it is that you’re interested in, what you’re after and what you want in your life, and that way you could benchmark yourself BUT only as a method of improvement, not to compare and then feel bad about what you “should” be doing and aren’t.
How can I stop comparing myself to others?
The only thing more human than being human? Comparing yourself to others. Whether you’re envious of someone in your professional life, jealous of a friend or just plain greedy about your partner’s salary, coveting what others have is a part of life.
Sometimes it’s unobtrusive — a little pang of jealousy hits you during a coworker’s presentation, but you get over it. Other times, you compare yourself to others obsessively. When you inevitably find yourself lacking (because comparisons rarely make us feel good), it can really wreak havoc on your life.
How can you break the comparison cycle? And what are some ways to be satisfied with your own goals, achievements and life? Let’s look at some tactics.
Before we can move on from comparisons entirely, it pays to understand why we compare ourselves to others. Comparisons are primarily a social thing — we want to know how we measure up in relation to the group. Are we useful and valuable to those around us? Or are we seen as irrelevant in our in-group? In some ways, comparisons are a self-defense mechanism against obsolescence.
But here’s the thing: comparing yourself to others too much can lead to negative self-talk, anxiety, depression and more. What’s more, it leads many high-achievers to overcommit to tasks and activities they don’t like. If this sounds like you, the first question you should ask yourself is: “Are the people I’m comparing myself to a good representation of what I value?”
What do I value most in life?
Think about it: are the people you’re comparing yourself to really the people you want to be exactly like? Maybe they’re doing impressive things, but that doesn’t mean you should want those things for yourself, too.
In fact, many people who compare themselves to a group of others find that they’re not actually connected to the group itself. When asked if the group they envy are their “peers,” most people say no. Chances are good the people you’re comparing yourself to aren’t your people. Sure, maybe they’re successful, ambitious, or hard workers. They might even have what you think you want — but they don’t value what you value, and that’s what matters most.
Think about what you really value. Is it more work? Is it the adoration of others? Maybe it is. But maybe it’s not. Take time to sit down with your values and really work to understand them.
Instead of taking cues from people whose values probably differ from your own, consider building your own group of peers who share your vision. People who understand and get you. People who come together with a blend of personalities, experiences and cultures that make you feel comfortable and understood.
Make no mistake: the group or individual you compare yourself to can still be useful. It’s just that they’re not useful as a comparison tool. Take what you can from them, learn from them, and then move on.
Learn to compete with yourself instead of others
Would you compare your dancing skills to those of a professional ballerina? Of course not! And it doesn’t really make sense to do that, either — why on Earth would you rate yourself against a world-class athlete? Moreover, do you even care about being as good of a dancer as a classically trained ballerina?
Unless you’re a ballerina in training, the answer is probably no. The truth is, when it comes to comparing yourself to others, it’s a little bit like beating yourself up because you’re not a world-class dancer. Even if the people you’re comparing yourself to seem impressive, stop and ask yourself: “Do I actually want what they have?”
After considering that question, most people end up realizing that they’re chasing what they think they should have, instead of what they actually want. They think they should have the same things as others in their life because they’ve made up a belief in their mind that that’s what people should want. But they don’t actually want the same things as the people they’re comparing themselves to.
If you’re in this predicament, it pays to compare yourself to just one person: yourself. How can you be better than you were yesterday? How can you faithfully live in accordance with your values and beliefs? How can you be better for yourself and others today?
Learn to quell jealousy by focusing on self-improvement. Do it for no one else but you. Focus on creating a life that’s in harmony with your values, and the rest will come.
Don’t compare yourself to others
While it’s easier said than done, comparing yourself to others is a bad habit that can be broken. By reassessing what you value, discovering your true peer group and competing strictly against yourself, it’s possible to let go of the jealousy and envy that comes with rating yourself against coworkers, family and friends.
Having trouble quelling your own internal comparison meter? A coach might be able to help. Check out our coaching programs for additional tips on how to crush negative self-talk, avoid judging yourself against others and more. Alternatively, you can listen to our entire coaching podcast episode on comparing yourself to others here: