What will your funeral be like?

Death is one of those strange experiences that’s universal, and also completely unknown to us. None of us escape it; at the same time, none of us can really be sure what the experience is like. In that case, for those of us still living, the question becomes: how should we think about death, and how can we cope with death? 

Should we view death as a tragedy? A rite of passage? The end of something, or the start of something? Is the death of a loved one a horrible thing, or is it a celebration of life?

If you’re searching for answers about death, you probably won’t find them here — if I could answer them neatly in the span of just one blog, I’d be a millionaire, and I’d also be on every talk show in the country. 

Instead, what I can offer are a few different ways to look at death. Some of them will make the experience more manageable, and others will help you prepare for how you want others to view your death… 

When the time comes, of course. 

When mourning the loss of someone, remember that they’re not entirely gone

Coping with the death of a loved one is probably the most difficult aspect of the human experience. When a parent, child, loved one or close friend dies, there is no way to prepare for how it feels, and no correct way to grieve their passing. 

While that might not be a comfort, it is comforting to know that in some ways, people never really leave us. There are pieces of them in everything we do, in everywhere we go. When I look into my reflection in the mirror, I see my mother’s face — her lips, her smile… even her knowing glare. 

And I know that even though I can’t talk to my mother anymore, I can still hold conversations with her. I can speak to her in my head, and I’ll know exactly how she’d respond to what I’ve said. That’s probably true of many of us. If you’ve lost someone close to you, you probably know exactly what they’d say if they were still around.  

So why not do it? Why not speak to them? It might feel strange, but it’s also comforting. Plus, remember that none of us really know whether or not the dead are really gone — as far as we know, they might actually be listening to you when you speak to them. 

With time, death can be a celebration of life

Most funerals are dour, sad affairs. And that’s fine. But I don’t think I want my funeral to be that way. Instead, when I go, I want people to remember the good things.

I want them to remember the conversations we had. I want them to remember how I made them laugh, or think, or how I made them food when they needed it. I want them to remember the interesting exchanges we had, the conversations, the dialogue. I want them to think about the role I played in their lives, or even just the role I played in a singular conversation. 

Why do I bring this up? Because I want people to know that death is never easy, but it’s also not completely one-sided. Death can be tragic, harsh, unfair and unrelentingly sad, but it can also be cause for celebration, rumination, appreciation and nostalgia. 

Death means we all need to be more present in life

It might be scary to think about your own death, but doing so can help you make the most of your life. Think about it: what would you say to others if you knew you’d die tomorrow? You wouldn’t leave anything unsaid, would you?

News flash: you could die tomorrow. You’d never know it. So it’s important to squeeze every last thing out of every interaction you have with others while you’re here. Tell the people you love that you love them. Laugh with the people who make you laugh. Don’t spend another day compromising or reducing yourself just to placate to other peoples’ desires. 

Remind yourself that getting closer to death is akin to getting younger in life

Nobody wants to celebrate their birthday past age 25 — but why is that? Is it because we associate aging with death?

By contrast, I’ve always associated aging with life. When you get older, you start to shed a lot of the heaviness you carry in life. You shed the idea that what other people think of you really matters, you shed the idea that you need to accomplish some huge goal in order to live a meaningful life, you shed the idea that you need to look, talk or act a certain way to have importance. 

In short, getting older means getting more comfortable in your skin. And getting more comfortable in your skin means you’re ultimately carrying a lighter load, which can help you feel a lot younger… 

After all, when’s the last time you had a load as light as being a child? Think about that, and do yourself the favor of lightening your load a little. 

What do you think about death?

Death is many things, but mostly, it’s a way to look at life. A way to contextualize what we do and attribute importance to all of it. Or at least, that’s what it means to me.

What does it mean to you? Is it a subject you hate talking about? One you shield yourself from? Or one you engage with willingly? Let me know by getting in touch with me here, or by listening to my podcast episode on the subject of death (and don’t worry — I promise it’s not too heavy.)