Why Being Realistic Isn’t Helping You Reach Your Goal: With Hugo Pelland
Have you ever experienced the feeling of letting someone down? Or was that someone who you let down actually you? Which one do you think is easier to confront?
In this new episode of The Frame of Mind Coaching™ Podcast my guest is Hugo Pelland, Senior Product Manager at Adobe. And today Hugo comes to the show with an interesting problem. He has a tendency to put himself at the bottom of his list. This happens to many of us when we have a set of beliefs that says we’re not as important as others.
We have all been through something like this, right? We show up for others but we let ourselves down from time to time. Well, it doesn’t have to be that way. And my biggest recommendation for Hugo is to change that way of thinking. I know that it’s less uncomfortable to disappoint yourself than it is to disappoint others, but in real life, it’s the exact same discomfort and we need to acknowledge and address that.
What does being realistic mean?
Setting realistic goals is actually more harmful than it is helpful. While you may not believe that at the moment, I can actually prove that realistic goal-setting is more detrimental than beneficial when it comes to reaching your dreams.
Instead of helping you take gentle steps toward your goals, being realistic leads to the de-prioritization of goals you care about, because you’re tacitly giving yourself permission to let down the one person who’s holding you accountable: yourself. If that sounds familiar (and you’re curious about how to stop “being realistic”), keep reading.
Think about it this way: being realistic, as pragmatic as it sounds, is probably the #1 killer of passion. Today’s podcast guest talked about their side passion, which was a startup project about the gamification of fact-checking — a very interesting concept! The startup was working well for about a year, but then its creator took on a day job again for personal and family reasons. Still, he wanted to put time toward his side project, but it didn’t continue for long because he admitted that he couldn’t “realistically” spend as much time working on a project that wasn’t currently earning him money.
Unfortunately, the concept of being realistic hindered him from working on his goal further — while simultaneously allowing him to accept defeat for what might otherwise be a career-defining project. What does this all mean?
In short, being realistic is code word for “giving myself permission to diminish my own goals with my thoughts.” It opens the door for us to accept that succeeding at lofty goals just “isn’t really possible.” And does anyone want that? Absolutely not. Especially if you’re a naturally high-achieving person with big dreams and lofty goals. It’s okay to accept that your goals might have realistic outcomes, but if you’re being realistic from the outset about what you can achieve, you’re putting limits on yourself — before you’ve even gone and done anything.
Why the secret to success is setting the right goals
When it comes to moving past “realistic” goals , there are two components to breaking out of a bad goal-setting mindset. First, it’s important to understand that you’re probably the only person you set realistic goals for. What do I mean by that? Unlike goals we set for ourselves, the goals we set for others often aren’t realistic. We try to overachieve and impress everyone around us by going above and beyond. Why do we do this?
Because it’s easier to let ourselves down than to be comfortable with the prospect of disappointing others. And yet, by all accounts, you should be the most important person in your own life (you’re living it, after all). So before you’re able to address your goals, you have to become comfortable with the prospect of raising your importance level and making yourself just as much of a priority as others in your life.
The second part of the equation involves overcoming some of your natural biases and tendencies that hold you back from accomplishing what you want. For instance, if you’re naturally bad at showing up for yourself when it comes to personal commitments, then maybe it’s time to involve someone else in your goal-acquisition process. That way, if you’re great at keeping appointments with others, you’ll be more inclined to meet, work toward and accomplish your goals when others are involved. See how it works? By accounting for some of your natural weak points, you can bolster your strengths until you no longer need the “crutch” required to meet your goals.
Living up to expectations
Living up to your own expectations can be hard. If goal-setting and acquisition is naturally difficult for you, it might be time to invest in someone who can help. Coaching is designed with goal-setting in mind: by helping clients find the value in themselves and assisting them in addressing some of their thinking traps, we help creators, parents, business owners and countless others tackle their goals organically.
The best part? We don’t tell any of our coaching clients to be realistic. Instead, we tell them to express their most vivid, “unachievable” goals imaginable — and then we help them address the thinking that’s getting in their way.