Why is it so hard to find love? 

When you’re in the pits of a no-romance stress, it can feel a little bit like trying to climb out of a muddy hole during a rainstorm. There’s nothing to grab onto, and every time you think you’ve found a root or a branch to hold onto, you lose your grip. Sadly, lots of us languish in the between-places of finding love because we don’t have the tools to dig ourselves out of the dating trap. 

That’s especially true if you’ve had a run of bad luck on dating apps. If the people you’re meeting all feel boring, self-absorbed or unengaging, it’s easy to start to get jaded and cynical about dating in general. When nothing comes your way after giving things a sincere effort, it’s easy to want to throw up your hands and say, “I give up!” And then you go on to forego all dating advice and become an a-romantic hermit… which nobody (not even you!) wants. 

But if you really want to find a great relationship, you can’t give up. Now, this isn’t going to be another run-of-the-mill milquetoast love advice column where I tell you to keep your chin up and wait for the right lover to come along. The truth is that unlike in rom-coms and steamy love novels, finding a great partner actually does take work, perseverance and patience. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. 

Finding the right partner 

Let’s cut to the chase. If you really want help finding love, the most important way to start is by focusing on what you do want to attract, rather than what you don’t. In the past, you’ve probably checked off a list of red flags that make someone un-dateable to you. But the problem with focusing on what you don’t like is that when you pay attention to what you want to avoid, you end up finding more people you don’t want to be around.   

By contrast, creating a list of green flags can help you accurately define what you want in a potential partner. It’s important that you work to get clarity around your ideal relationship, and make a checklist surrounding it. Ask yourself:

• What’s my perfect partner like?
• What’s their nature?
• What do they look like?
• What do they sound like?
• How do they interact with me and the world?
• What kind of person are they?

I’m not bullshitting you: this works. How do I know? Allow me to let you in on a little secret. I was in your position, once. That’s right: I wrote this exact same list myself. When I was divorced and trying to date people, I had the exact same problems that lots of people having trouble with love experience. I was dating lots of people who were absolute mismatches for me. And then one day, someone told me to write a list of all the things I wanted. So I took out my journal and wrote a list. Do you want to know what was on that list?

I wanted a guy who was kind, warm, good with my family, and loved me like there was no other person in the world. I eventually met someone who met all of those qualifications and then some — and because I’d made that list, I knew he was the one when I met him. 

This can happen for you, too. But first you have to pull up your shoelaces, put together your list, and enter the dating market with an enthusiastic mindset. Only then can you start sincerely finding people who might be the right fit for you. 

How do you know if you’re dating the right person?

Once you’re out there in the dating field, it’s time to start a little process I like to call “shopping.” It’s similar to when you’re going to the grocery store — you’ve got your cart, you’re in the aisle, and you’re ready to go. The problem is, while there’s pretty much everything you could ever imagine in the grocery store, your cart’s limited in size. So you have to make choices about what you want to take home with you, and what you’d rather leave in the store.  

Let’s keep this metaphor going. If you’re going down the bread aisle, and you prefer multigrain bread over Wonderbread, you don’t put Wonderbread in your cart. Same goes for other aisles: you put oranges in your cart, but not apples. If we take this metaphor and extrapolate it into the dating game — for instance, let’s say you see a couple holding hands and being affectionate in the street, and you decide you want that — you start to put that in your mental “shopping cart.” 

Do that for every romantic thing you witness and like. That goes for people having intellectual conversations together, people flirting in ways you find attractive, people being affectionate with one another, and everything else you enjoy. This helps you move your attention toward the kinds of positive experiences you do want to have, instead of the kinds of interactions you’d rather avoid. 

That’s what this is all about. It’s about getting you out of your mental headspace of “there’s nobody interesting or attractive out there for me,” and moving you toward that space of openness, intrigue and possibility. The truth is that it’s not all too difficult to weed out the right kinds of lovers from the wrong kinds — but you have to know which lovers you’re looking for first. 

That’s an abridged version of my most important dating advice for those of you currently lost in love. But if you’re looking for an in-depth conversation on someone who’s going through the exact same thing you’re experiencing right now, you should head on over to my podcast where my daughter, Ferne and I, discuss life advice, dating tips and so much more.  

Unless, that is, you want to keep meeting more Mr. and Mrs. Wrongs… 

(Kidding!)